Overcoming Your Fears with Lucas: A Comprehensive Step-by-Step Guide to Using the Eastern Style Toilet

After 3 days of intense stomach churning, I must’ve visited well over 20 public bowls around Shenzhen. Surviving the gauntlet, yet still new to China, one skill I have already mastered is the ability to use a squat toilet.

Train stations, Mom and pop restaurants, KFC’s you name it, I’ve unloaded. Good luck finding the familiar western style toilet out and about, especially toilet paper, nor assume that the toilet you have unleashed inside is flushable.

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Step 1: Ask yourself; “Am I comfortable $#!77ING my pants right now?”. If you are comfortable to run the risk of holding it until you are home, go ahead, roll the dice and gamble. If you are sensible enough to go when your body tells you it’s time to go, you have made the right decision, I applaud your maturity.

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Step 2: Find a toilet: Easier said than done. If you are at a restaurant that doesn’t have any visible signs of one, simply say ‘Cesuo zai na?’ (Where is the toilet?). Or if you are in a rush with a hot snake on the brink of escape, simply say ‘Cesuo’. Most staff would be cool with you going at their own personal loo. If Scarlett Johansson asked to use my toilet, I’d happily allow it. I’m not saying we are ScarJo level status in China, but we are in the same league (regional differences apply).

Step 3: Evaluate the floor inside the stall. If the floor is dry around the bowl, there’s a high chance that some ‘pumpkin-pie-haircutted-freak’ didn’t pee all over the wall. The back wall is the holy grail to being able to pull off a comfortable and successful dump. Keep that in mind.

Step 4: Secure belongings; as they may fall in. Best of luck to you retrieving that iPhone as a bunch of toilets have abyss like pipes you can see infinity manifest.

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Step 5: Ensure toilet paper is within arm’s reach. I always keep a packet of tissues in my back pocket. Ensuring toilet paper is within arm’s reach will eliminate the possibility of standing back up again and a rogue nug or fluid landing its way onto your pants, or worse, landing on your kicks.

Step 6: Drop trou! It is wise to go back and repeat step 4 as you are doing this maneuver.

Step 7: Squat and lean; with one arm on the back wall for support.  I choose to do this as it prevents me falling backwards and into the drink. This really makes it not bad at all, as I have sat like this for minutes and maintained comfort.

Step 8: Aim; is something that may not be obvious but it is vital if you want to leave something for the next guy to look at. If you are in the mood for a clean getaway; aim toward the hole as close as possible.

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Step 9: Fire away (self explanatory). Since majority of mine are loud, it can help by playing some music or singing your national anthem to avoid embarrassment if you are a shy and timid creature. If you have no shame like me, own it with pride.

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Step 10: Wipe. The choice is yours whether you want to scrunch it, fold it or wad it up, you are on your own path in life, and that is a beautiful thing.

Step 11: Lift trou.

Step 12: Flush. Never mix up step 11 and 12. Toilets all around the world are unpredictable, especially China. Sometimes you may get splashed or sometimes you may need to make a quick getaway after a flush. Therefore, being fully clothed will be in your favor. Whenever I flush a toilet I do it with the sole of my shoe, I literally kick and stomp that button. However, that may be a tad hard to do if you have short legs and not very flexible.

Step 13: Wash your hands, leave the scene of the crime and don’t look back.

To quote fellow psychopath Fred Nietzsche “If thou gaze into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you”. I’m no high school literature professor but I think this means don’t overthink the toilet situation here, otherwise you will have a bad time.

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I hope this has been informative. Until next time, much love, Lucas xoxo

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